I woke up this morning with a huge feeling of guilt and failure resting on my shoulders. My eyes still feel like they are sporting 10lb weights underneath them, and the To Do list in my head keeps growing. Every room I have walked past or into holds so many unfinished projects that I had begun with every intention in the world to finish before the end of nap time. I hate clutter, but it's absolutely everywhere. Sure, I wipe down toilets every day, clean the kitchen every night (the dog takes care of the floor, ha) and do my best to make sure every one has clean underwear and clothes for the next day, but I always want to do more. Almost daily, I sit down at the end of the day thinking "I know I have been busy all day, but it looks like I have not done one thing!". I get no pressure at all from The Cajun in regards to house work or my role in raising our ninjas. He helps out when he can, and walks away when I start bashing myself for not getting everything done in a day. So why, why do I feel this way so often God? Why do I feel like I'm constantly in a huge ocean barely able to keep my head above water, when I want to feel like at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm succeeding in my life? And as I pray these words, this is what I know God is so tenderly speaking to my heart.
"Life is not always glamorous, it's hard, messy...overwhelming but purposeful." And then He allowed me to remember what happened last night before I left for worship practice.
The Cajun and ninjas were eating dinner and I was in the back of the Treehouse getting ready to leave. I heard a good bit of commotion signifying their dinner was done, and then Dean (my oldest ninja, 9 y/o) runs into my room, wraps both of his arms around my body hugging me tightly and says, "I'm so glad you're still here. I love you so much Mama. And thank you, thank you for all you do for us. You always take care of me...even when I was in your stomach. Thanks for taking care of me while I was in there." A bit taken back but not wanting to miss the moment, I returned the hug. I explained that it wasn't easy when he lived in my stomach....he made me sick a lot. But that I would do it all over again in a second if that meant I got my Dean. And in the next moment he was quickly out of my room playing with legos. Of course it made my heart soar, but I went on to practice not thinking another thing about it. However later that night, the Cajun started a conversation like this, "well, they asked about it, so I told them". Y'all those words right there will always launch my stomach into my throat. And he should know better by now to not begin a conversation that way. So with my eyes the size of saucers and my mind whirling, I replied, "go on....". He then explains how they began discussing the belly button at dinner (trust me, this is a mild topic when boys are involved). Dean wanted to know why it was called a button if there was nothing to push and it didn't do anything. So my husband in all his knowledge (and he has quite a bit of it), explains the navel....how we all have one, what it's purpose is while we are in our mother's tummy, how the mom takes care of the baby and feeds it by taking care of her own body, and then how in the end the navel falls off creating the "button". As the conversation ended, he said Dean thought a bit and said, "I respect mom a lot for doing that. And then the whole reason of Dean randomly coming in my room and thanking me for carrying him in the womb became clear. He truly is an amazing, sweet boy.
I remember carrying him....some times more than the moments we shared after he was born. I remember carrying all three of them. With each one I was as sick as a dog until the 5th month. With the third, I was in disbelief as well until the 8th month (that's a whole other blog in itself). Being pregnant was not glamorous for me in any way. At times it was exciting, but it was hard on me and my body. Despite the discomfort and pain...it was purposeful. My sickness, my days of looking like death warmed over were for an amazing reason....it was for new life.
I want purpose more than perfection. But how do I let go of the guilt and overwhelming sense of failure? How do I stop comparing myself to the picture inside my mind of what I should be and how my home should look? The immediate answer that comes to mind is a scripture a very dear friend once kept telling me over and over again. She and her husband have raised four absolutely beautiful children inside and out. Lydia Bryce's nugget of wisdom on the phone that day was this....are you ready? "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." (KJV Romans 8:1) Condemnation means the expression of very strong disapproval (per google). In other words, if every day I'm giving my best, obeying God's laws for my life, and asking the Holy Spirit to guide my every step, then the disapproval I feel is false. It is not from God. And with that amazing reminder, I have to learn where to place thoughts of being a failure. I have to learn to take moments of guilt and prayerfully hand it over to God asking Him to help me not dwell on it, but to be able to listen to Him that day.
So, here we go Jesus....I'm giving You my guilt and the feelings of being less than. Help me to please stay focused on the tasks You have for me each day. Help me to be quick to respond when You tell me to call and encourage a friend, or to patiently help one of my sweet ninjas understand how important it is to love and share. Please help my focus to be more on the eternal things that matter instead of the worldy things that can only weigh me down. Keep showing me who I am in You...I'll get it one day.
Misti
"Life is not always glamorous, it's hard, messy...overwhelming but purposeful." And then He allowed me to remember what happened last night before I left for worship practice.
The Cajun and ninjas were eating dinner and I was in the back of the Treehouse getting ready to leave. I heard a good bit of commotion signifying their dinner was done, and then Dean (my oldest ninja, 9 y/o) runs into my room, wraps both of his arms around my body hugging me tightly and says, "I'm so glad you're still here. I love you so much Mama. And thank you, thank you for all you do for us. You always take care of me...even when I was in your stomach. Thanks for taking care of me while I was in there." A bit taken back but not wanting to miss the moment, I returned the hug. I explained that it wasn't easy when he lived in my stomach....he made me sick a lot. But that I would do it all over again in a second if that meant I got my Dean. And in the next moment he was quickly out of my room playing with legos. Of course it made my heart soar, but I went on to practice not thinking another thing about it. However later that night, the Cajun started a conversation like this, "well, they asked about it, so I told them". Y'all those words right there will always launch my stomach into my throat. And he should know better by now to not begin a conversation that way. So with my eyes the size of saucers and my mind whirling, I replied, "go on....". He then explains how they began discussing the belly button at dinner (trust me, this is a mild topic when boys are involved). Dean wanted to know why it was called a button if there was nothing to push and it didn't do anything. So my husband in all his knowledge (and he has quite a bit of it), explains the navel....how we all have one, what it's purpose is while we are in our mother's tummy, how the mom takes care of the baby and feeds it by taking care of her own body, and then how in the end the navel falls off creating the "button". As the conversation ended, he said Dean thought a bit and said, "I respect mom a lot for doing that. And then the whole reason of Dean randomly coming in my room and thanking me for carrying him in the womb became clear. He truly is an amazing, sweet boy.
I remember carrying him....some times more than the moments we shared after he was born. I remember carrying all three of them. With each one I was as sick as a dog until the 5th month. With the third, I was in disbelief as well until the 8th month (that's a whole other blog in itself). Being pregnant was not glamorous for me in any way. At times it was exciting, but it was hard on me and my body. Despite the discomfort and pain...it was purposeful. My sickness, my days of looking like death warmed over were for an amazing reason....it was for new life.
I want purpose more than perfection. But how do I let go of the guilt and overwhelming sense of failure? How do I stop comparing myself to the picture inside my mind of what I should be and how my home should look? The immediate answer that comes to mind is a scripture a very dear friend once kept telling me over and over again. She and her husband have raised four absolutely beautiful children inside and out. Lydia Bryce's nugget of wisdom on the phone that day was this....are you ready? "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." (KJV Romans 8:1) Condemnation means the expression of very strong disapproval (per google). In other words, if every day I'm giving my best, obeying God's laws for my life, and asking the Holy Spirit to guide my every step, then the disapproval I feel is false. It is not from God. And with that amazing reminder, I have to learn where to place thoughts of being a failure. I have to learn to take moments of guilt and prayerfully hand it over to God asking Him to help me not dwell on it, but to be able to listen to Him that day.
So, here we go Jesus....I'm giving You my guilt and the feelings of being less than. Help me to please stay focused on the tasks You have for me each day. Help me to be quick to respond when You tell me to call and encourage a friend, or to patiently help one of my sweet ninjas understand how important it is to love and share. Please help my focus to be more on the eternal things that matter instead of the worldy things that can only weigh me down. Keep showing me who I am in You...I'll get it one day.
Misti
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